spill your feelings
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Posted 2022-11-30 00:39:37
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Hlubi #75530 |
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Posted 2022-11-30 14:02:32
I can't tell if the overthinking will be just today or a years long guilt complex just beginning |
 ElectroSwing 💞 #43082 |
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Posted 2022-12-05 09:04:29
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 Fort ⛄️🎄 #7842 |
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Posted 2022-12-05 09:06:39
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ElectroSwing 💞 #43082 |
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Posted 2023-02-01 20:24:57
Let's start with how bitter I've gotten. About everything. I always was, but now I express it so much more and it feels so right that I don't want to bite my bitter tongue. I complain so much about everything in my life and the world. I have 4 months left of high school but can barely stand it. I could go on forever about their hypocrisy. Beyond the point, however. Now college. I'm accepted. I'm pretty happy with where I chose to go by the looks of it. However, I don't feel ready. My mom is far more excited than I am and acts like it will be a flawless experience. No, it won't. My work ethic is crap. I do try, though. But I feel my efforts are in vain. I've disappointed my therapist of three years so much already since being an adult. It feels like nothing I do is enough in the scope of college and employment. It was never a huge problem every week when I was 17 just months back. In a sense, yes, independence will be very important. I understand that I'm on my own pretty much. But in a lot of ways, my upcoming life in college seems like it is a slope into a veritable hell. Every time I say I won't care about every assignment it rapidly descends into I won't do any type of work in my life and live in my mom's basement. So maybe my negative attitude towards homework isn't helpful, but does it have to land at such an ultimatum? Nothing like this happened for 2 years of therapy and now every week I'll somehow make myself fail at life. And if I skip an assignment, my GPA will be so bad my degree is useless? Because people have better GPA in the job industry? Well even if I did EVERYTHING, I couldn't get a better GPA then the best of the best. SO now I'm convinced I won't get a job anyway. In part my work ethic is probably diminished by my ADHD. I feel like that is getting invalidated as an actual issue I have. Because yes I'll be able to get extended time in college, but of course it loops back to employment. It's all to get a job and please my boss now? I never took my therapist as one who considered that above all and thought I could talk about my concerns about that as an adult, but something has changed. The amount of "my disabilities are excuses and bad labels" rhetoric has increased exponentially just since my 18th birthday. When I first came in, yes, I had a hard time with my diagnoses because of all the ableism and stigma I dealt with. But I grew to accept them, but now they're excuses and accepting them will only impede on my work and social life, at least that's how it feels. One thing that drives me up the wall is mixed messages and only since my 18th birthday have I received them so greatly. It's all about how my internal view on myself matters most. But also if I keep calling myself stupid OTHERS are gonna think I am? What do I take to heart? So much more is about basically winning over people's validation in college. Also just so much feels like it's trying to cram me into social conventions that were not in issue before. Now I should keep my room clean so people can come into my college dorm and not disapprove. And when we talk about my bad eating habits, I'm constantly criticized for not eating with family. And suddenly it's like I hate my sister because we don't eat meal together. And I should do that when I have people in my life or else it seems like my bond with them is questionable? Because all this convinces me things just flipped over when I became an adult. I'm definitely being dramatic, but I can't stand sudden changes in people. Especially when they are people who have saved me and helped me so much. Why must people change how they act towards me so suddenly and radically? If someone reads this and can give me a sliver of advice, please let me know. I need to hear from someone not directly involved in my situation. |
ElectroSwing 💞 #43082 |
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Posted 2023-02-02 13:31:51
Being on the cusp of college is really hard, especially once you're accepted and just ready to be done. It makes all of the assignments and final projects feel pretty stupid, since you know they have such little impact on your life anymore. It's weird to say, but to be totally frank, a lot of adult life and working life is doing little assignments that feel pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. Homework is kind of like practice for that. You absolutely do not need to be perfect right now at it. There's lot of time to improve your work ethic, motivation, and overall perspective on the whole thing. In my experience, therapists are generally meant to respond to your feedback on how the sessions and work you're doing together are going. If you feel comfortable, you should try to brainstorm a way to address these feelings with your therapist. They may be focusing on attempting to find logic-based ways to motivate you to complete your work with the idea that that's very helpful to you. But I feel like if you say something like "I understand all of what we've talked about regarding the consequences of not finishing work, but I really would rather focus on having a space to vent and to help process my feelings." If that's too hard to outright say in person, maybe write it out to read to your therapist or email them! If you're not comfortable at all addressing this with them, then you may not have the best therapist-client fit. You should always feel you at least won't be judged or be "in trouble" for raising concerns with your therapist. Nervousness about the conversation itself is totally normal though, to be clear! Espedially if you already struggle with anxiety haha It also looks like you feel like a lot has changed since you more officially became an "adult" at 18, with people giving you loads of advice about how to act. From an outside perspective, I would encourage you to try to see it from your parents'/family's point of view, if only to see what might have caused this change. My very first guess is that now that they have a marked way to see you as more grown-up [your 18th birthday passing], they may have a lot of anxiety about you growing up and being outside of their safety net. If you're about to go away to college, how can they be there if you end up hurt or scared or in trouble? The sudden onslaught of advice or conflicting messages may be from that anxiety, as you're about to leave the nest. Of course, I don't know your family or anything, so this is a very optimistic interpretation. If your relationship is strained or anything, it could be different. Like I said, this is a really stressful time and a time of a lot of change. Believing in yourself and communicating your feelings to your support system [friends, family, therapist, teachers, etc] should be your biggest focuses in my opinion. As someone who was in your position once, you can really shock yourself in how much you'll change and improve with a balance of dedication and kindness to yourself. I hope there's at least one thing in here that's helpful to you. Just keep getting through the day! |
facethesun #114443 |
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Posted 2023-02-19 13:57:34
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Fort ⛄️🎄 #7842 |
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Posted 2023-02-27 17:35:03
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 ★ Atmospheric • she/her #8870 |
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Posted 2023-07-17 06:18:03
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Hlubi #75530 |
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Posted 2023-09-02 17:58:33 (edited)
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dislexia #10124 |